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Ten Observations About the Fantastic Four Movie
posted July 24, 2005

image1. Did Dr. Doom's business conference room have the best-looking oversized leather chairs in the history of film or what? I could watch an entire film starring only those chairs.

2. I've never seen so many goofy, over-acting extras in my life, and I watch wrestling.

3. For being away on a trip into space, world-famous scientist and New York City high-rise landlord Reed Richards receives less mail than I do when I go to El Paso for the weekend. Although considering his mailman is clearly 15 years past retirement age, maybe that's a fortunate thing.

4. Speaking from experience, no woman is ever happy to see you shirtless in a raincoat back home several days early from a work trip.

5. After the bridge scene and her hypnotic diamond ring removal dance, I was really hoping the Thing's fiancee would show up after every action scene to keep dumping him. Like she could bring a box of his stuff next time and shake her head and kick it towards him. And then next time she could hold up a sign saying, "I changed my number."

6. I kept trying to figure out what the Thing looked like, and I finally decided on a guy I knew in high school that lifted so many weights he couldn't straighten his arms out even though he was only 5'7''. He was really strong, but he was only 5'7'' and he fell over a lot.

7. I was very fond of Dr. Doom's plans to get rid of the Fantastic Four, which got increasingly sketchy as he worked his way down the list, like he got tired or he started watching something good on TV:
The Thing -- Befriend him during a long meal playing on his loneliness and apparent stupidity, steal use of Richards' device to change him back while at the same time powering me up. Important: Fail to destroy machine afterwards.

Mr. Fantastic -- Assault, kidnap, hook up to elaborate torture device. Make wisecracks. Mince.

Human Torch -- Fire a missile at his ass.

Invisible Girl -- Bag of flour? Improvise.

8. I never expected the visual splendor of Kirby, but I was secretly hoping for Asshole Reed Richards from the original comics run. I love that guy. He was like John Saxon playing the lead from "House."

9. "Flame on, kid," may get a summer '05 try-out as the overly sentimental crack-up line at the end of evening at the local strip club, but it's clearly no "Stay Gold, Pony Boy."

10. Where was Magic Johnson?